- STATE OF THE ART MENTAL HEALTH CARE REFORM:
- PUTTING MONEY FIRST - A CAPITAL IDEA
- It used to be that medicine was considered a calling, not a
trade. Therapists were able to focus their attention on improving
the quality of life for those in their practice. This allowed the
remainder of the population to devote their attention to improving
the quality of the small pieces of coloured paper in their lives.
This was unfortunate, because the pieces of paper themselves were
not that unhappy. The current state of mental health funding
indicates that the traditional approach needs to be updated.
Therapists now need to join the rest of society and give direct
attention to the small coloured pieces of paper.
- The practices of Psychiatry, Psychology, Social Work and
Rehabilitative Medicine have developed light years beyond what was
available when most dignitaries were emblazoned on their country's
currency. A comprehensive assessment and treatment plan for these
individuals would no doubt improve their circumstances.
- CASE EXAMPLES:
- U.S. $50 - ULYSSES S. GRANT
- Ulysses S. Grant, born Hiram Ulysses Grant, changed his name
in order to avoid his initials spelling H.U.G., which is
unfortunate because he could use one. He is a very heavy smoker
and drinker, and as an old soldier clearly could use some exercise
- like marching through some 12 Step programs. He needs vocational
rehabilitation because up until the time of the Civil War he
failed at every job he attempted. Lastly, a dietary consultation
would encourage him to improve on his favourite breakfast of
cucumber soaked in vinegar.
- U.S. $1000 - GROVER CLEVELAND
- Grover is the second heaviest president to ever serve office
and duly earned the nickname, "Uncle Jumbo." He gave early
credence to the hereditary theory of obesity when the "Baby Ruth"
chocolate bar was named for his daughter. A behavioural
modification program and reducing diet are clearly in order.
Leisure counselling is also indicated, as he refused to admit the
State of Hawaii to the Union.
- U.S. $20 - ANDREW JACKSON
- Andrew Jackson, a rough and ready sort, has the nickname "Old
Hickory" as much for his toughness as for the way he smells. Not
only did he order spittoons for the White House, but
single-handedly subdued the first would-be presidential assassin
with his own cane. He is badly in need of pharmacotherapy for his
Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Additionally, with the wildest
and most destructive inauguration on record, he and his gang need
psychotherapy for their Group Type Conduct Disorder.
- CANADIAN $10 - SIR JOHN A. MACDONALD
- Sir John A. MacDonald has been known to tip the bottle on more
than a few special occasions. He and his crapulent clan went on a
cross-country bender that ended up ordaining them as the
Confabulating Fathers of Confederation. A 28 day residential
program would suit Sir John nicely. His wife describes him as
having pronounced mood swings, thus a mood stabilizer would help
even out his manic sprees and depressive frugality. When visiting
England to wrest the Dominion of Canada from the Monarchy, he and
his merry band shot at the British public with peashooters.
Accordingly, an interpretation of the Oedipus Complex would
benefit Sir John.
- CANADIAN $50 - WILLIAM LYON MACKENZIE KING
- King, who conducts séances, regularly speaks to the
dead, and feels he is guided directly by God, could clearly be
helped by an antipsychotic. He remains unmarried, and counts as
his only friends the British mediums who conduct his
séances and a series of terriers all named Pat. Social
Skills Training would enable him to interact with others in a more
appropriate way. He is also a muddler of almost supernatural
skill, and would be helped considerably by Assertiveness
- CANADIAN $100 - ROBERT BORDEN
- Robert Borden, a classic type 'A' workaholic, is a one ulcer
man holding down a four ulcer job. His vain efforts in cycling to
work do not compensate for his compulsive tobacco chewing. He
complains of lumbago, neuritis and sciatica and clearly needs help
for his Somatization Disorder. He switched political alliances
early in his career to spite his family, and group therapy could
help him temper his rebellious instincts.
- The immediate introduction of the various therapeutic
modalities listed here is sorely needed. It is hoped that once on
the road to recovery, the small coloured pieces of paper will once
again exhibit their previous vitality and resume circulation.